Michael: Maintenance

The thunder rumbles
Without demanding life stops,
Only that it listens.

Thursday, May 7, 2015



Just passing a birthday and being ecstatic about being pain free and running a race well had me thinking about age and it’s effects on two of my daily routines; stretching and oral hygiene. Whether the two are intertwined, I don’t know, but they have both arced from the very simple to the ludicrously complex at the same time in my life.

When I was 16 and in high school track, I knew the basic muscle groups and did basic stretches for them. I had pecs, glutes, quads, hamstrings, biceps and forearms. For equipment I had my body and grass. We sat in a circle, told stupid jokes, wondered where the cheerleaders were, and did what the coaches told us to do.

Now I have muscles and bands and sinewy creepy sounding things like a miniscus I never knew existed until I was well into my 40s. And it’s my growing responsibility to make sure they all continue to flex and bend and get the lubricants, fuel and maintenance they require to keep this 58 Corvette Viper body of mine in classic car show condition. My body and grass have now been supplemented by a well padded mat, stair step, massage ball, massage stick, and foam roller. My coach is now a ghost talking to me through the net. But at least I know where one of the cheerleaders are. She’s right in front of me demonstrating how inflexible I am.

I now do three distinct phases of stretching: 1. 4 sets of two types of Achilles stretches; straight leg rises followed by straight leg stretches, then bent knee rises followed by bent knee stretches. 2. Plantar, calf, quad, I.T. band, hamstring, and hip flexor stretches using the ball, stick, and roller and 3. 8 back stretches doing what the coach tells me and what the cheerleader shows me. And that’s it. This is where I draw the line. If anything else needs attention or snaps, I’m just going to get out some duct tape.

Similarly my teeth have gone from a simple brushing to a whirling military precision parade dress performance that is so astonishing my wife and I applaud every night after I finish. In this order, and it must be done in this order, I floss, use a small bristle brush, brush with a toothbrush, massage my gums with a massage stick, then rinse with a non-alcoholic mouth wash. Again, parade rest. That’s all I’m going to do.

I know there are other major concerns and maintenance issues related to aging that I should investigate and deal with, but I’m already worn out from all this stretching and cleaning and need a nap.