Michael: How to Eat a Cookie

The lizard scuttles
Across the rock then plunges
Into the shallows.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Yesterday I learned how to eat a cookie while riding uphill on a bicycle.

Maybe, if I were 5 and not 57, this would be a feat worth running in the door to grab a family member to come out and say “Watch!”, but I beg to differ. Eating while riding is no easy trick, and a cookie on an uphill exponentially increases the level of difficulty. Coordinating chewing, breathing, pedaling and swallowing even on a downhill is a balancing act that if not done carefully can lead to fragments of cookie spit up all over your kit, or lodged in your nose, or gagging, or the dreaded hat trick of all three at once.

So why not just stick to gels? Two reasons: 1, They’re expensive and hard to come by here. 2, I listened to a podcast last week featuring the winner of the 2014 Western States 100. She eats solids early in the race before later switching to gels. I thought I’d give that strategy a try and I usually like to experiment with nutrition on the bike before taking it to the run. It’s just easier to digest on a bike.

And these cookies, Empradors, are cheap and plentiful here - less than 50 cents for a dozen. As far as nutrition and taste go, they’re nothing special; pretty much your typical generic Hydrox, two dry shells with a layer of industrial crème in the middle.

The initial tests did not go well. Chewing, stopping chewing to take in a few breaths, resuming chewing until I felt comfortable enough to attempt a swallow, was both labor intensive and frustrating.

Until I had that breakthrough moment. Instead of chewing first, I put the cookie whole (they’re pretty small) in my right cheek tobacco chewing style and decided to drink first. To experiment I swished a decent amount of water into the cookie cheek, and Voila! It dissolved into a paste even easier to swallow then most gels. By sheer trial and error I had discovered the secret to cookie riding success.

I know this doesn’t rank up there with the recent confirmation of Einstein’s gravity waves, but it puts a smile on my face.